3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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