And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
