My Higher Power is John Stamos
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
