Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Girls should come with a carfax report
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
