my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
