Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
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