Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
