The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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