Got a toothbrush?
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Randomize
