My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize