I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
