She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize