every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
