New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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