i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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