It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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