I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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