3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Randomize