sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
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