get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize