I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
