My hand turned me down
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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