dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
