Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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