My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
