Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Yes because finding a guy to give head to is pretty difficult.
I mean not really
Obviously that's why it was a joke you are so stupid it's impossible.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
