I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
