I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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