Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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