I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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