I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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