he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Randomize
