You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
