I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Randomize
