What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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