My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
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