Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
she told me i tasted like america
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
