When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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