I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Randomize
