my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
