At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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