Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
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