So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
