God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
