I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
