jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
