Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
