You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
