If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
