he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
