I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I need to stop coming to work sober
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
