She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
