ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
