I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
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