is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Randomize
