she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize