my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
