it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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