Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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