you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
