Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
