I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
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