professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
