There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Randomize
