I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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