neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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