drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
