my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
