Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize