He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
not ubering you a puppy
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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